Misunderstanding
by PetPetAngel
Summary: After the final duel, Atemu is tormented by doubts. Did he really understand what his aibou wanted of him, or what he wanted of himself?  Atemu/Yuugi


**A/N: **I always seem drawn back to this fandom, and particularly, this pairing. I guess it's because whenever I see an old AMV or watch even a clip, I'm always taken aback at the unspoken closeness that these two share. Here's a story in which things that go unspoken lead to regrets. Somehow, I imagine Atemu as being constantly not at rest. Even in the afterlife, he doesn't find peace.

I understand, _aibou_.

That is what I said to you. But did I really understand? Now that it is too late, I wonder, did I really understand any of it? When you said that I didn't need to hold back when it came to looking for my memory–because of you, _you_, who had helped me in any way I could think of–was I surprised because I did it on purpose, slowed down, and you found out? Or was I surprised because I was doing it subconsciously, stalling so I could be with you, and you saw it before I did?

Did you truly know me better than I knew my own self? I didn't have my memory yet, but was I really stalling? Did I want to stay with you more than I wanted to find my own memory? Was I staying for you or staying for me? Was I thinking, _Yuugi needs me_, or was I thinking, _I need Yuugi_?

Now, in the afterlife, I wonder sometimes what my mind would look like if I had a soul room. How unkind for me to have all my memories of you!–or were they really a blessing in disguise? Was it worse to never know I had met you–or worse to know that I had and have all the happy memories and know there would never be any new ones?

This is what I mean, _aibou_. Would my mind look any different now that I know I am Atemu? Why can't I help but think that it would still look like an endless maze, filled with tricks and traps? Would I not still be deceiving myself? Am I still doing so now? With the closure of one story, another opened, but instead of 'Who am I?', the question was now, 'Was it the right decision?'

Do I really know more now that we've parted, _aibou_, or am I just as lost as I was when I first met you?

Was all your effort in vain?–oh, the thought plagues me so! Please, let it not be true. Please, Ra, let your sacrifice to the Seal of Orichalcos not have been in vain. And your trips to the Shadow Realm, the various dark games you were forced to participate in–why must I _now_ think that they were in vain? The suffering of your friends that plagued you just as much as it did them–was it in vain, _aibou_? Perhaps I really was a dark king–look at what I did to you!

Did I want this? I had my memory and an identity and I was no longer the Nameless Pharaoh–now, I was Pharaoh Atemu. But why do I still have this emptiness inside me, _aibou_? _Why?_ Why do I feel less complete now that I know who I am than when I had you and was knew nothing?

Why is there a painful tugging in my heart? My soul cannot rest, even in the afterlife–this is supposed to be my time of peace! Where are you now, _aibou_? Was I right? Before the final duel, when you looked at me with such determination and told me you knew all the weaknesses in my deck–was that really what you were telling me? When you receded into your own mind and stayed silent, were you really trying to convey something else other than silence?

Was your silence speaking to me and I was deaf to it?

And when those tears streamed down your face–did I understand? Why was I so eager to beat you? Did I really want to stay with you instead of leaving? Did I believe that you would win, or did I think that I would? That fateful last move–the tears that left your eyes as you called out the final attack–did I understand that?

Why were you so eager to beat _me_? Were you happy because you really wanted me to leave or were you trying so hard because you thought I _wanted_ to leave? Were you being selfless as always while I was continuing to be selfish, continuing to want to bask in your light and glory?

You said to me that you had learned courage from me, you aspired to be me. Why? Did I also teach you to hide your feelings–from others, from me? When we–you?–took off the Sennen Puzzle, we were disconnected. So why could I still feel something? Why couldn't I feel it stronger? Why weren't you open to me? Why was everything so vague? I could not even tell if your tears were tears of happiness or sadness, and I should have known you better than that.

Why was your victory so empty–for me, or for the both of us? What was that look in your eyes? When you smiled, was it forced, or did I just make it seemed forced? Was it true?

What was this? Why could I think only of you? I cared for all of your friends as though they were my own, and they were! So why was I only looking at your tears? Why were you so special–why had you always been so special? Why had it always been _aibou_ first and then _everyone_ afterwards?Why couldn't I look at Anzu's tears or Jounouchi's tears and wish that I could wipe them away? Should I have been able to do that? Why were you always so _special_?

This is what the afterlife has done to me, _aibou_. Just like when I lost you to the Orichalcos, I no longer know right from wrong. Was it right of me to leave you? Was it wrong of me to want to stay? Look at all the trouble I caused you, all the torment I lead you through. Where were your needs when this was happening? Where was my consideration?

Was it the truly the deaf leading the blind or were we both lame, limping our way through the storm as though neither was deaf or blind? We were always pretending?

Were the feelings real? What _was_ real? Why couldn't I see what I see now, then? If I could've told that that smile of yours had been fake, would I have still left you? Would I have truly refused peace forever to be with you in your lifetime–would living forever after you died be worth being with you while you lived? What pushed me through that door? Did _you_ push me through that door, because I thought you wanted me to leave?

There I go again. Am I blaming you? Yelling at you? Why am I doing so? I feel so accusatory. Was I always like this? Always angry? _I _was the one that everyone was after; what could you do to hurt others, _aibou_? I brought you so much trouble, and yet that day you told me that I had given the "lonely you" friends of all sorts–things that you could never thank me enough for. Why did I just nod and say I understood?

Hadn't I told you before that you had won your own friends–wasn't that why you wanted to fight against Jounouchi when he was possessed, so prove it to yourself? Hadn't I told you countless times before that you were never a hindrance to me–so why was I staying I understood? Why was I contradicting myself? Was I saying it because I thought it was what you wanted me to say? To say that you were a handicap?

But when I was down on my knees facing Zorc and I was going to be killed–did I not cry out your name? Did I not scream '_aibou'_? Why did that come to my mind? Why were you the only thing I could think of as I laid where I thought I would die? Why was your face the last face I wanted to see?

And when I was fighting Bakura with the three gods–when you caught me as I fell off of my horse, why could I only think of how you were holding me, holding my hand? Why did Bakura–and our friends, even–disappear, as though they were all just distractions to the most important thing; that I was being cradled in your arms?

What strength you gave me, _aibou_! I need you! Even now when it does not matter, I feel weak and alone. There is not darkness here, but still I crave your light like a hummingbird is drawn to the nectar of a flower. Is it wrong of me to think that you were drawn to me in some way as well, but more like a moth to a flame?

You aspired to be like me–why _aibou_, why is all I ask! I was burning you, ruining your light. I made you hide yourself from me! That was one thing I had always wanted–had I always been so needy, demanding?–openness. You shared yourself with me despite the fact I was a stranger. but at the end–at the end... You dodged my gaze and gave me false smiles.

Is it not funny, ironic now, that I call myself what you always used to call yourself? Needy. Demanding. Weak. Does that mean you are truly as strong as I always thought? When I told you that you did not need me–I meant it, but did I really? Did some part of me not feel satisfied that I was needed, wanted? Were you struggling like I? Or were you confident and suave? Which one did I want you to be more?

Perhaps you have always been the strong one. Who needed who more? Did I want–no, need. your light and happiness more than you need my confidence and strength? Did I make the right decision?

Did you miss me as much as I missed you?

Did I understand you correctly, _aibou_?


End file.
